Hello?

Hello?

Am I speaking to the householder, Mr Sinclair

Yes, you are.

Hello Mr Sinclair.

Hello, how can I help you?

Mr Sinclair, I’m from the Government Energy Agency.  I understand that you have recently had new insulation installed.

Yes?

Mr Sinclair, I’m ringing to tell you that there is a problem with this insulation.  Your home is at great risk of condensation and damp.

Oh dear, that sounds bad.

Yes, Mr Sinclair.  Don’t worry though.  We are able to help you.

Oh, I see.  It is a worry though. Can you tell me more?

Well, Mr Sinclair, we can address this worry.  A recent government survey has shown up a problem in current fibre wool loft insulation.   These have been contaminated in the manufacturing process, with glass fibres particles and collections of pathogens that can damage the lungs of those individuals living in the house.  This a definite health hazard. We have been commissioned to survey recent installations and advice the householder if they have this problem and how can it be remedied.

I’m sorry, its not a very good line - could you repeat that last bit?

I’m telling you, Mr Sinclar, there’s a health hazard in your house.  The loft insulation needs to he checked.  It’s full of germs and other nasty stuff, the glass fibre can get into your lungs.  We work with the Goverment to provide service to come and assess the problem.

Gosh, that sounds awful. I’ve six young children in the house - I feel really anxious about them now.

We can arrange a survey at your convenience Mr Sinclair

Oh I see.   And you say you are government recommended.

Absolutely Mr Sinclair

That sounds good.  Particularly if the government has actually got a grip and is trying to fix the problem.

Yes, Mr Sinclair.  We currently have inspectors in your area this week?  When would be a good time to come and do the survey?  Would Thursday morning be convenient?

Is there any charge for this service?

No, Mr Sinclair, as I said we are working with the government on this.

So if you find a problem, will you be able to replace the insulation?

Yes, we have a fully qualified team of installation engineers.  Our surveyor will be able to explain all this to you.  Shall I say 10am on Thursday?  We would recommend that you replace the faulting insulation with a  better solution - we spray foam insulation into the loft space.  This has great benefits of much improved thermal dependency and heat speciosity - is totally safe and highly suitable for families with young children.  And we can offer a complete package of cavity wall insulation and loft insulation.  This will result in fantastic savings for your central heating.

And will all this be funded by the government?

Ah, there could be a small charge, Mr Sinclair, if you choose to go for the full cost reduced package.  Our surveyor will be able to explain all the options.  I’ve booked him in for Thursday morning then.  Can we go ahead then?

Yes, that sounds really good, but I have one more question….

Yes, go ahead.

Can I speak to your mother?

Pardon me?

I’d like to speak to your mother.

Why do you want to speak to my mother?

I just wondered if she knew what you do for a living and if she was proud of you?

This is nothing to do with my mother.

I know that if my mother had spent 20 years scrimping and saving, sacrificing her life, to bring me up proper and I had turned into bastard scammer like you then she would be turning in her grave.

Click.

After all the isolation of the last year, it’s nice when people ring you up to have a chat.